The six stages of a baby’s upset stomach

We're batmanNew baby

Delicate little flower is swaddled in scratch free organic cotton washed in hypoallergenic organic cleaner and kissed by the sun to dry.

A butterfly would cry if it landed on such softness.

What’s that? Little precious has an upset rumbly tummy? Awwww.

Baby’s been sick a day

Upset grumpy bear wrapped in backup swaddle cloth and second tier jammies, fluffiness abounds as the pile of vomited on laundry starts to stack up.

Little gremlin… you’ve shown me things… things I would rather not have seen.

Baby’s been sick two days

Oversized jammies and your bedsheets as all of precious little flumpalump’s eco-friendly clothing smells like a dairy’s dumpster.

You’ll never eat cottage cheese again.

Baby, you’ve vomited significantly more milk than we put in you. That’s 14 ounces of milk. You drank six in the last ten hours. Wat?

Baby’s been sick three days

Oversized diaper to compensate for the projectile diarrhea, folded over on the back to keep it in, house smells vaguely of rotting animal carcass, last of the fitted swaddlers just became covered in a combo of feces and vomit.

You start waiting a while after smelling the poop before changing because you’ve been caught multiple times mid-diaper change.

Oh it’s to be like this is it beast?

Baby’s been sick four days

Beach towel laid down, clothing chosen for easy access to diaper. You’re considering putting on a neck cone just to funnel the vomit into one manageable location.

You wear goggles changing diapers now and do not under any circumstances wear long sleeves.

Baby threw up? OK clean it out of the eyes, we’ll change you in a minute, just making sure there are no aftershocks.

I have seen things which no man should ever have to see.

Five days

Black plastic garbage bag underneath a scratchy towel to gather liquids, cardboard gently propped up around the splash zone, diaper back lightly secured to baby with tape, baby exists mostly naked underneath blankets which can be whipped away at the first gurgle of the vomit comet. You’ve brought duct tape into the equation.

All windows in house cracked open, the animals won’t venture near. Vultures have been seen circling the house. The washing machine now fears you.

Investigating whether hypnosis can actually erase or bury some memories.

Six days

The stomach ick has passed, you’ve been using chemicals to clean that were banned by the geneva convention. The fluffy blankies you were forced to wash now crackle like a candy bar when moved.

There’s a constant ringing in your ears like you’ve been being shelled for days.

Little squish knows none of this and would like you to dangle your keys for her once again.