Babies are shitty roommates

2013-07-27 16.21.01
I will destroy your carpet

I had three roommates at one point in my life, and although we had our share of problems such as the dishes, I never had anything near what I’ve had with this newborn roommate.

While my roommates would occasionally get drunk and vomit in the bathroom, it was not a regular occurrence that I was cleaning up vomit, and especially not off of me. This is not the case with the infant.

The roommate’s food would stink up the house occasionally, but never was there a time when the fridge would smell like BO from a bottle that had been left out too long.

The roommates also did not leave their stuff all over my room, nor was I in danger every time I ascended the stairs of stepping on a pacifier that had just been thrown there by an overly gassy roommate.

If one of the roommates was smiling at me, I did not have to suspect that projectile vomit was about to ensue, and if I had a lady I was talking to I did not expect that the people staying at my house would be grabbing at her breasts the entire night.

Yes, babies are shitty roommates, and unless you’re planning on selling your child into slavery, you’re also not going to get any portion of the rent out of them. It’s sad but true, babies are not good for much other than making messes and loudly proclaiming that they want you to pay attention to them right this moment.

Although I did have that one roommate who did that… and I guess the things strewn about the house were similar… and baby’s disaster areas have been mostly contained to bucket-sized areas and not beer coating the floors of the entire house, so in some ways baby is not the shittiest roommate I’ve ever had.

But she’s close.