Baby Waste Containment Protocol RFC

Baby Waste Containment Protocol

Revision 1

Paul King 2013

A baby cage, but for waste

Status of this memo

The purpose of this document is to establish a fluid and semi-solid waste containment protocol for newborn humans (from this point out referred to as babies).

Abstract

The protocol provides a sex-independent fluid and solid elimination routing protocol that prevents stream separation or packet dumps from contaminating the environment.

Introduction

Babies are messy. If a diaper is removed chances are good the air touching the baby’s nether-regions will trigger a reaction that generates more liquid or solid waste emitting from the tiny human at full strength.

Digestive problems cause milk and formula to be regurgitated at inopportune times, diapers tend to leak after a while, and explosions cost more in terms of labor and effort involved to clean up than they should.

The idea here is to safe effort, smell, sanity by establishing a set of guidelines by which baby wastes are channeled to their proper destination without being misrouted.

Protocol Specifications

Baby Waste Containment Protocol, hereafter referred to as BWCP, requires a fluid and solids containment canister be located within 10 feet of the baby operator at all times.

Seated operator requirements

Baby wipes, paper towels, burp rags, swaddling cloths and pacifiers should remain within arm’s reach at all times. The theory behind this is when a baby segfaults, there’s no stopping the overflow, however you can improvise with a swaddling cloth or burp rag from a sitting position and contain the stack overflow.

Bed modification

Sometimes babies like to come to bed with their operators before they are placed in their containment chamber for the night. In the event a baby is placed in the bed, the bladder and bowels will become so excited at this prospect that fluids will rush to overflow the diaper and let you know how happy baby is.

Alternately, large amounts of milk, colostrum, or general infant vomit will decide to emit at alarming rates.

Baby should be on a towel that’s sufficiently thick to block rapid liquid passthrough. Towel should also extend four inches in any direction that the baby might be looking.

Changing: tables / bassinet changers

One would think that a changing table or a bassinet with a changer built on top would contain all the elements that would be needed to contain baby fluids. One would be wrong.

Ensure that your changing location is waterproof before proceeding. Should it not be, make it so.

Female specific

Care should be taken to aim the down-end of the female in a direction where there’s fluid containment available. Baby girls can shoot streams at 90 degree angles, so containment along their axis should be considered.

Male specific

Due to the nature of the liquid release mechanism and the ability to stream at high speeds, you’ll need to implement urine stream blocking or directing. This can be accomplished using a wax Dixie cup, or placing a towel over the nozzle portion to sap the stream strength.

Gender neutral

With both models of newborn, it’s a good idea to assume their idea of a good time involves releasing the hounds the instant a diaper is off of them. As such most cleanup should be done while portions of the old dirty diaper are still available to catch errant baby fluid.

Gaseous expulsion procedures

Due to the digestive nature of the beast, after fueling babies will require gas expulsion assistance, otherwise the alarm will go off indicating that baby is unhappy.

Unfortunately the two-stage locking mechanism most adults understand and enjoy that prevents a yawn from re-staging your breakfast is not developed in most babies.

Standard liquid containment protocols require a rag thrown over the shoulder, however that may only discourage mucusy milk from permeating your garments.

Alternate methods are to simply place baby on a towel on a surface and gently attack their backside with the force of a fighting teddy bear. Generally gaseous emissions from face-down are less violent, and more easy to contain in a set area.

Preventative protocols

Items to consider

  • Babies produce fluids
  • Loose fluids always go down
  • Anything under a baby is always at risk
  • Transporting baby to baby waste container jeopardizes the vomit, urine, and fecal homeostasis you’re attempting to maintain in your abode
  • Cleaning up baby expulsions robs your baby of valuable you time and vice-versa. With protocols in place you can add up to an hour a day of not cleaning and redirect that into your child.

Comments/input welcome