The new parent guide to being a jackass
Part 2 of probably 30 years
- Create a Twitter/Facebook account for your child.
- Better if you create it before they’re born.
- Make a blog, tell child to not bother you as you’re building your brand.
- Use phrases like “I can’t drink with you, I’ve got someone who depends on me.” Make sure to mention that the night before you were hammered. Not only does it make you seem incongruous, you also indicate they don’t have anyone who needs them.
- Be the voice of your baby. Maggie says so!
- Use your baby to instigate conflict “Maggie doesn’t like how you smell” <- better if the baby is passed out at that point.
- Mention you can never have fun ever again. Mention it a few more times. When they say “well, you’re out with me right now aren’t you?” just look at them. Do not break eye contact or a smile.
- Make friends hold baby even if they don’t want to, take pictures of their discomfort.
- Provoke a fistfight while wearing your infant on your chest.
- Create a blog devoted to a new spin on the whole baby thing.
- Force your friends and family to promote your blog <hint hint>
- Mention that when they don’t promote your blog, your baby directly suffers
- <hint hint>
The following requires a bit of explanation about pro blogging. In general a site only makes money if people come to it, and the bloggers only make money if their expenses are lower than their income.
In the case of a new site you generally have a period in which you start, post, realize the only way people are coming to your site is while researching Product X, so you start writing about their product. You also realize that you can make money off of Amazon (and other,) referral links.
- Write no bad review about a product you’ve been given by a company – this ensures a steady supply of product from PR firms to write about/get traffic from. It also screws your readers.
- Require logging in to your site before being allowed to see any of your site.
- Write great reviews about a popular product just so you can get referral income even if you don’t like it.
- Pick another blog to pick on, reblog half of their content and call them idiots. People searching for their content will find you and your amazing opinions.
- Cut and paste the same incorrect baby information that’s been going around for years so you have more content for you endeavors and it looks like you can write.
- Steal other people’s lists, pass them off as your own, claim that sharing is the best form of flattery even though you’re stealing their advertising revenue.
- SEO spam to get traffic (use keywords that aren’t related to your piece so someone searching for best diaper gets every single one of your articles).
Jackass new parents – driving
Before attempting these, make sure that your Baby On Board sign is visible
- Park in the expectant mommy parking space claiming that even though you’re now a mother, you’re entitled.
- Park in the handicapped spots as it’s hard to wrangle a baby around.
- Drive 45 in a 70 – sure this puts you and everyone else at increased risk, but you can claim it was for safety of your child. Note – don’t have a child in the car if you’re going to be this idiot.
- Circle like a vulture for 30 minutes for a parking space closer than 10 spaces out – make sure traffic is stuck behind you as much as possible. Be that jackass!
- Drive slowly with the windows down blasting “driving dirty” at full volume. For the love of all that’s holy though put some ear protection on your child.
More to come…