Be a new kind of annoying parent when asked your child’s age

Paul's Douchy photoAnnoying Parenting 101

According to comedians, one of the bigger gripes single people have with parents is the insistence on using months to denote a child’s age. When you ask a parent a child’s age, the theory goes, you don’t want to have to do the math yourself.

Your child is not 36 months, he’s 3 years old.

Now, the reasons we usually go for months is because after 8 weeks that’s what pediatricians and most medical advise is based in, but rather than explaining that to your easily-annoyed friend I present the new way to be an excessively annoying parent.

New units of measure

While you could go for how many days, hours, minutes, or seconds old your newborn is, to be a truly annoying and reprehensible parent you should start thinking using the following units of time measurement.

  1. Fortnight (two weeks)
  2. Month of Sundays (30 weeks)
  3. Light-feet (unit of distance light travels in approximately 1 ns)
  4. Nanocenturies (3.155 seconds)
  5. Dog year (52 days)
  6. Duke Nukem’ Forever (15 years)

New units in use

So, how old is your little precious?

He’s 12 months

No, how old is he?

He’s 7 dog years

And what is that?

26 fornight

quit being a dick

Almost 10 million nanocenturies

you’re a douche!

3.1536e+16 light feet

repeat.