You’re a horrible parent, person, and everything you do is wrong. Source: The Internet*
Why you’re a horrible parent: Sleep
Notice that your precious little one sleeps better when in a car seat? Well, you’re a horrible person and should die. One child of 15 months died sitting in an upright front facing car seat from what was assumed to be his head tilting forward and eventual strangulation. Why do you want your baby to die? Some doctors recommend it to help with severe gas pains… they should burn in hell too.
Accidentally fall asleep with your baby on you? Obviously you want them to die in their sleep when you roll over and crush them, and you should be stopped.
Want baby to sleep so you can eat, shower, do the things that make you not a smelly parent? Why did you even choose to bring your bundle of joy into the world if you weren’t going to enjoy their every precious moment?
You’re a horrible parent: Product
Getting a used stroller or item? You’re a terrible person. Just because that worked for the last generation of babies doesn’t mean it’s going to prevent your child from exploding in flame due to a previously stressed wheel bearing. You should obviously throw everything out and only purchase whatever the baby blogs are pushing this week.
Don’t read the 300 otherwise paid baby blogging “reviews” of a product before you purchase it even though half of these are bought and paid for by the companies that are being reviewed? You’re a horrible person for not investing enough time in researching what paid and purchased bloggers have to say. If you don’t read their opinions which are shaped by the fact that they got the item for free and were expected to review it within 30 days and will not receive any more free items if they publish a negative review of the thing, you should burn in hell.
Think that your child can play with the toys of the past? Go directly to hell. They obviously killed off 90% of the children of your generation and left the whole world to suffer the effects of a lost generation of baby Einsteins.
You’re a horrible parent: Thoughts
Thinking that it would do you and the baby some good to spend some time apart before you have a nervous breakdown? Obviously you weren’t prepared and should not have brought life into this world.
Thought about leaving the baby in another room to cry it out while you sit down and relax after nearly a week of being up? Your flesh should be flayed from your bones for such thoughts. Obviously you should know that you can’t properly raise a baby unless you’re Superman.
You’re a horrible parent: Milk
Have your breasts not produced enough milk, or production is so painful as to make breastfeeding your infant a nightmare of pain, blood, suffering and hell? Obviously there’s something in your soul that makes you a bad person. You should plan to devote 16 hours to beating your breasts into black and blue lumps to produce milk rather than getting some formula.
Have a medical or pressing reason to use formula? Why did you even bother giving birth to this neglected baby if you weren’t willing to rip off your tits, and dribble a trickle out which will produce an hour to two respite from baby’s wailings.
Think that if you can’t breastfeed without ruining the quality of your life and your time with baby that you should stop and purchase commercially available substitutes so you can bond with the baby as opposed to resent him? Why are you such a horrible person?
*I didn’t bother to source anything here due to it being too easy to pick on any one blog, post, etc.
You’re a horrible parent: Quiet
Ever stick a pacifier into baby’s mouth to shut her up and make her (and you,) happy? That people like you walk the earth makes me want to vomit every day. That you’re wanting to make the baby potentially happy with anything but a factory-direct nipple means the terrorists have won.
Put the baby in a swaddle because it calms her down and enables her to sleep for an hour or two without flailing around and waking herself up? You should be in the chains you’ve subjected your daughter to. Also acid and beavers and cole-slaw should be thrown in your face.
Letting a pissed off baby calm down by letting off some steam rather than doing everything in your power to stop the crying? You sir or madam, should rot.
You’re a horrible parent: not
I don’t know why people feel the need to make you feel so horrible on the internet. I think that a lot of the people convincing people that they’re horrible parents are basically projecting their shitty parenting fears, real or imagined, on others.
The parenting game is a game of balance. If you as a parent are so miserable that your time with the child is impacted and you’re not enjoying that time, you’ve got to do something to stave off the shitstorm of resentment so you can be the best parent you can be.
You obviously don’t want to hurt your child, but most of these baby blogs are filled with duplicate mis-represented badly copied unsourced nineteenth-hand reblog spews of what probably a few tellings ago arose out of concern or an incident that needed to be addressed but now it’s rote doctrine: do it or you’re a horrible parent.
When our daughter was in the postpartum ward, a friend had come over and left a pacifier they used on their baby. A nurse later told me that they didn’t use them and was pretty much intoning that people who do are horrible people and not natural. She then went and swaddled my baby like a burrito to prevent her from moving around, as a baby would naturally.
Obviously everything above is satire, I read most of the arguments while researching a couple of things, although I’m sure at this point some of them are invented arguments. I sourced what I could
I’m a horrible parent because I go for results and to make my, my wife’s, and my baby’s life better. I generally read other people’s thoughts and disregard them if I think they’re stupid.
Why are you a horrible parent?