Five years today

Maggie at one day shy of fiveSometime about 11ish at night my daughter Maggie came into the world, a week or two late at that point, forced out and ticked off. I don’t think she ever let being evicted go.

She would spend the next eight months and 17 days not sleeping more than two or three hours at a shot. Total freakouts every night at about seven PM. A voice louder than any child I’d ever encountered. Total refusal to latch, feed, keep anything down.

Sleep deprivation took its toll. I really consider that the person I was before Maggie arrived would be shocked at the person I became. Fatherhood, I am doing it, but it undid a lot of me. It’s still there but meh. I understand dad rage now.

My five year old is in an interesting state. We’re told she’s just about to grow out of a stage. This stage being triggered by anything and becoming Katie Kaboom with the 90 minute tantrums. This aspect has been in front of us for a year or more now.

I don’t feel I have a positive relationship with my five year old due to my fear that I’ll just end up a jailer or the opposition when Katie Kaboom pops out and decides to start hitting, screaming, etc. I’m there for her, I just feel sometimes like I’m disconnecting to not feel the disappointment. There’s been a lot of disappointment.

I’d love to sit here with a positive attitude. I mean there have been really good signs lately. But man, it’s rough sometimes. I love the kid, I hate what I feel sometimes. I really hate that I’m at that point in Drama Free Discipline where I recognize myself on the page as someone who just does not want to be around the explosion.

Sorry Maggie, I like you, I don’t want to be around 120dB screaming Maggie who looks to do anything to get into a fight and will sit in front of you and scream for 40 minutes about nothing rather than go and chill out.

I’m feeling like it’s PTSD at this point. I love this kid. Most of the time is good now. I see her and I do have some great feelings but they’re loaded under listening to screaming for an average of five hours a week for the past year and the behaviorist not seeming to grasp what a kid that loud can do to a person.

So, I’m working hard this birthday to not remember that stuff, that (along with some cheap plastic stuff,) is my attempted birthday gift. I’m going to attempt to be a better parent, I just have to figure out how to erase literally weeks of screaming memories from my mind.

Today’s day 12 of no Katie Kaboom. While some of this may be Spring Break related, and some of it may have been her big blowup fight with mom 13 days ago, it’s something to hope for.

Happy birthday Maggie, I’m hoping to be a more connected parent for you this year.