There’s a stage in new parenting I remember where the screaming from my child just didn’t seem to stop. Maggie was a fussy baby, other parents who sat her commented she was fussy and absurdly loud. I remember when she’d cry, wouldn’t be soothed, and hours afterward I had her crying stuck in my brain.
I’d hear something from the other room and think she was crying again, but she wasn’t. Just some sort of parental hallucination, I’m guessing programmed in to make sure I didn’t just wander off to escape the crying. It was worse the tireder I was. Maybe it was just me going insane.
But now it’s becoming a real thing of non-stop crying, not just an exhaustion induced hallucination. I’m remembering hearing crying most of the time my kids are awake as baby wants fed, held, touched, rubbed, or just to grunt displeasure loudly. Maggie as a toddler wants to rebel, scream, break down in tears because I told her no, and otherwise act like she’s the most miserable kid in the world.
Today’s breakdown was because I told her she couldn’t dump freshly folded towels in the toilet. Last night because I wanted her to try and go to the potty. After that because I wanted her to calm down. After that because she was exhausted but refused to go to sleep. After that….
It’s not the crying that’s as horrible as the yells of anger coming from the beasts. I believe Maggie’s yells have damaged the pick up on a microphone in her room as it’s suddenly a muffled mess. Maybe it blew the speaker out. I don’t know. She’s screamed next to me where my ears were ringing for hours.
But the grunts, cries, and screams of hungry, angry, sad children of mine are stuck in my head like the song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” and even when I escape I’m now on edge because I don’t stop hearing them.
I mean, I know that the hour I spend with them in the morning and the three hours after school can’t all be filled with screaming and sadness, but at this stage it’s what it’s feeling like. I try and remember last night and I remember yelling, a brief respite, more yelling, some screaming, and then a little bit of crying.
I think it’s just being tired and my mind trying to reflect on why, that or I have very late oncoming schizophrenia kicking in. It’s starting to ruin the time I have with the kiddos as my memories aren’t of the warm hugs, but of the tears.
Maybe I just need a nap.